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Resumés

18 Dec

Resumés

When you’re a child they tell you
when you grow up to do what you love,
but the world won’t pay for that –
so instead we fall into ranks of what someone else decided
we are qualified for,
based on the greed rumbling in the world’s belly
and the lust leering out its eyes this week,
just like someone before them decided that this was all
they were qualified for,
a long line of other people who know only your merest casing
deciding what you’re good for in life.
It doesn’t matter what you love.
The world loves extraordinary,
but banishes different.
It’s a hard place to get along.
And it’s not technology that’s distanced us
but the leeriness of what might happen if we really set to it.
There was always something there,
to mask that fear under the stank of unproductivity.
Fear is too subtle a scent to be detected under a louder assault.
And so instead of facing the constant possibility
that we might not be good enough,
we click on a new browser, open another tab,
and while away the hours with the distraction of others
doing exactly the same thing,
because we’re all afraid of the demons inside us.
Technology didn’t make them –
it’s just one more curtain we use to pretend they aren’t there.
Maybe we’re the ones that made them,
telling each other that in the end, it doesn’t matter what you love.
That this is all you’ll ever be good for.
Because we’ve been taught to size each other by the merest casings.
It’s hard, for a ghost to ever prove substance.

You are no string of Christmas lights.

16 Dec

I’ve battled depression. I’ve battled eating disorders. I’ve battled abuse and bullying and cruelty from people who said they loved me. And for years, I thought that if only I could figure out what had gone wrong with me, what flaw it was that had broken through my skin and left such a gaping hole, then I could remove it, fix it, and everything wouldn’t hurt so more.

I never could do it.

But that was because there was no master flaw in me.

And then today, I was hanging Christmas lights.

tangled christmas lights

You are no string of Christmas lights

You are no string of Christmas lights, honey,
with your wires all tangled and one loose light
that if you could only find and twist back into place,
you wouldn’t be so broken anymore.

There is no one loose gauge to you,
no link bumped out of place,
there is no one thing wrong for you to fix
and suddenly be restored to your former glory.

That’s not the way that people shine.

You’re so much more than the current running through your veins,
you are not just the lights you show.
And how you feel is not a glitch,
because there’s nothing wrong at all.

How you feel is how you think
and how you act
and how you blink
when somebody tries to poke you in the eye –
if you jerk back, if you don’t move, or
if you just all out slap them in the face.

There’s more decision than reflex there.

You are not missing one part that should shine.
You are not mere plastic decoration.
You have not failed, because perfection was never a requirement.
You are no mere string of Christmas lights, honey.

Fetal Position

8 Dec

Fetal Position

There is a safety to curling up,

pulling into a ball so that you resemble

a rock, the immoveable things of the earth.

 

They call it the fetal position.

But is it really so vulnerable,

when you are curled into yourself

and tucked away, safe inside a mother

whose very body protects you from the world?

You are untouchable then, in a way.

With a life between you and everything else.

 

There’s a safety there,

knowing that somebody else

has wrapped you as completely as ever

a human can be, all curled up into

the shape of a rock, fetal position.

A Line of Paint

6 Dec

Because of my hesitant sort of love affair with using paint as a medium.

paint mug rings - edited

A Line of Paint

There is something

about the glide of a brush across a canvas,

the smooth glide of creation

where there was nothing before.

An indelible mark easily smudged

by the mere wipe of a rag corner

changeable, as easily a glaring retribution

as a wet, glistening line

where your mind has kissed the canvas

and run its tongue along the bare back

where possibility lay.

The sensual embodiment of a thought

in the mere stroke of a hand,

The shiver down a spine of bristles under paint –

that’s a touch that’s hard to prepare for,

that leaves you burnt and angry when you can’t do it right.

Cell Phone Towers

1 Dec

Just some wistful dystopian poetry for you all that popped into my head during what’s passing for my “this morning.”

cell phone tower

Cell Phone Towers

We live our lives of drinking reheated coffee while we get up too early or sleep in too late.
We are anchored to our reality by the tether of cell phone wires plugged into wall outlets,
letting us know when we are about to lose connection to the functionality we have made of ourselves,
when we will lose our place as one more cog in the great spinning wheel
we have made of this earth, one large machine run by the breath of its inhabitants.
I do not rue the network we have defined ourself as, not entirely,
for there’s something to it, being able to have at least the merest scrap of you,
in the sound of your voice while you are in China and I am in Belize,
but I wonder if perhaps there would not be so much distance,
if we’d focused more on how to climb tree branches instead of success ladders.
Maybe we wouldn’t be drinking so much reheated coffee,
and maybe my perfume would be the smell of you, instead of this odor to mask the loneliness.

The Weather Haiku

19 Nov

The Weather Haiku

There’s never any
telling, if the weather will
burn inside today.

– Miceala

memories haruki

Some Adolescence for Your Tuesday

5 Nov

Well, oh lovely readers, it’s Tuesday. Not quite the bane of the week that Monday is, but possibly much more humdrum. Tuesday is the day where the rush and flurry of catching up from the weekend is over and the hum of seriousness kicking into drive whirs in the background. So, while I started the week off with the friendliness of Shel Silverstein in Some Childhood for Your Monday, today I’ve got a complementary post from my teenage years. Silverstein looked at where the sidewalk ends – I looked one step back, at the end of the sidewalk.

end of sidewalk tree

end of the sidewalk poem

 

“The End of the Sidewalk” is part of a collection of original poetry, Tales of an Early Morning. The complete collection is available for Kindle through Amazon.com.

Some Childhood for Your Monday

4 Nov

I’m unusually happy for a Monday morning, lovely readers. Especially a cool Monday morning still cloaked in the grey air and grey sky of a recent rain and oncoming fall. Maybe it’s because of the way my boyfriend snuggled me on my way out of bed. Maybe it’s because I had an especially good (read: caffeinated) cup of coffee before starting my morning by talking about books with my thesis advisor. Or maybe it’s because I finally had time to slow down and make a cup of black current tea and write for a bit, instead of hastily microwaving a second round of instant coffee before rushing off to oh-no-I’m-going-to-be-late-for-class. Or maybe it’s just because instead of stapling a boring plain piece of paper to the back of my midterm (we had to provide a second “cover” sheet to keep our answers all cozy or something), I printed out my favorite Shel Silverstein poem and attached that instead. Because who doesn’t need a bit of the contented kind of childhood to more happily start off their Monday?

Thought you all might appreciate some of that too. 🙂

Where the Sidewalk Ends gif

A Poem to Monte Cristo

3 Nov

monte cristo

A Poem to Monte Cristo

But perhaps I do not wish to forget.
Perhaps the memory of those scars on my mind
are what make you, in the moment, now, so much sweeter.
Perhaps I wish to remember –
yes, even all the pain,
the fear,
the disgrace that my most inner part of me
felt at their touches
their glances
their words.
Perhaps I wish to remember because with you,
I never feel dirty.
Even as you have me in a way they never will at all.
Though perhaps I may wish that those were never my memories at all,
I would be a fool to wish those cornerstones
of which I have made beauty from ugly
to be plucked from this girl I have constructed,
this woman I have made of myself
despite the ragged claw marks on my life
that would have had me not grow into anything at all.
No, I do not want the flashbacks
the repeated nightmares
the panic that leaves me circling, wondering where I lost my breath
but I want the way you breathe your belief back into me,
in who I am.
No, I do not want the constant brood
of stomach-churning replays,
but I want to remember that yes, I once went through that,
because with you,
I don’t go through that anymore.
Because with you,
even though I remember,
sometimes – most times –
it still feels like I never went through it at all.
And that, my love, I would never wish to forget.

The Ironic Love Story

2 Nov

The Ironic Love Story

I’m tired of fucking loneliness.

It’s a terrible lover.

But I couldn’t stay in your room

and be reminded of the absence of you.

I wonder if you’ll even notice

that my side of the bed is empty tonight.

Or are you really fucking empty, too?